Warning! My dreams contain mature content. Some people may find my dreams to be disturbing. Please do not continue reading if you are under age, easily offended, or do not want to read serious content.
Also just as a note; I have gotten some feedback on my blog. I enjoy hearing the mixed comments from everyone. Some people think I shouldn’t be posting such “dramatic” materials publicly. I want to explain why I am doing this as opposed to keeping them separated. Part of me wants save all of them for a time when I am ready to publish my book. I however decided against that because I know it is VERY IMPORTANT TO SHARE this with as many people as possible.
This entry is a perfect example of why it is so important to speak up. No one in my family knew my uncle was molesting me. I have stayed silent most of my life on this and many other serious situations. It has been ~10 years since he first laid hands on me. How much has happened in that time. If I had spoken up at the time…if I could have let go of the shame and fear when I was a young teenager… Well who knows. I just hope by sharing now I can inspire others to talk about these serious issues.
My uncle was in my dream last night. That’s not surprising as he is in my dreams frequently. Since he stated grooming me around puberty and then molesting me during visits with my grandparents I have had nightmares involving my uncle.
Last night in my dream I was in my grandparents house. I’ve had dreams exactly like this before so even though everything is a little different I knew where everything was. There is a secret room in the attic. There are secret tunnels and compartments only I know about. Their house is so complex, but I’ve dreamed this dream a thousand times.
I recognize my uncle. He looks so normal. He looks like he could be anyone. But I know the truth. He is as far from normal as they come. The poor broken man.
What made him this way? I could tell you what I think but in reality I really don’t know. Maybe some people are more predisposed to violence and abuse. Perhaps he was abused himself? I do have my theories.
He was always so nice to me. He was my favorite uncle. He always talked to me, told me I was “so mature.” He gave me things: cigarettes, alcohol, and drugs. More than anything my uncle lavished love and attention on me.
I was so desperate. I wanted love so badly. I was insecure and no matter what people would say I felt terrible about myself. I know I did bad things in school for the same reason. Maybe part of me really liked the negative attention I was getting because at least when I was in trouble my mother couldn’t ignore me.
My dreams of my uncle are always exactly the same. Terror and tears accompanied by shame and hiding. I tried to deny the truth. Then the truth hunts me down and shakes me.
What can I really do about it though? It’s over and I’m safe now. All I have to show for what happened to me is these nightly nightmares. What do the abusers have but a guilty conscience (if that!?)
So many abusers could do it again. The first chance they have to be close to another young woman. What will he do? Was it just me that was irresistible? Or is there something broken in the mind that needs fixing? And how would jail fix that? Certainly not. But perhaps my mind would be set at ease.
I did press charges and help put one man behind bars. I will write about it again sometime because that is a very important thing to share. But he was a stranger compared to my uncle. I loved my uncle. I trusted him. He was my favorite uncle.
At least it’s all over and I am awake. As long as I am awake I am safe. It’s amazing I sleep at all.